What are boundaries in relationships?

I am often asked about the limitations of the therapy room. How can I get better at setting boundaries? Do I feel guilty trying to set boundaries? I'm afraid to set boundaries; What if it ends the relationship?

We have all experienced when a relationship creeps in and we feel resentment or guilt and end up acting in a way that meets the other person's needs. Sometimes we don't realize that we are sacrificing our own needs while sacrificing our well-being.

Remember that creating strong boundaries is a skill and unfortunately many of us haven't learned this skill. Thinking about your limitations (i.e. what I need, what makes me comfortable, what actions drain my energy) is an active process that takes time to recognize and change. We can be guided here and there by experience or by seeing other people. But for many of us, establishing boundaries is a relatively new and challenging concept.

In this blog, I want to explore the what, why, benefits, and tips of setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

what are the limits? Healthy vs unhealthy?

According to the dictionary, a boundary is a line that marks the boundary of a territory; Parting line."

Applying this to our limitations means knowing and understanding where our limitations lie. Boundaries are rules or guidelines that tell others how we want to be treated—what is acceptable and what is not.

What are healthy boundaries like?

Healthy boundaries could be asking someone to change their behavior (for example, please don't yell at me or don't lie to me). Or the limit could be something you do to protect yourself (like leaving your room or blocking a phone number).

What are unhealthy boundaries like?

Unhealthy boundaries involve ignoring the values, wants, needs, and limitations of self and others. They can also lead to potentially harassing romantic encounters/relationships and increase the likelihood of other types of abuse.

Here are some examples of unhealthy boundaries:

Ignore other people's values, beliefs, and opinions if you don't agree with them.

Don't say no or accept it when someone else says no.

Feeling responsible for the feelings and/or happiness of others.

Feeling responsible for “fixing” or “saving” others.

Touching people without their permission.

Participate in sexual activity without the express consent of others.

What are the Benefits of Working in Healthy Boundaries?

Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and truly healthy life.

Here are some of the benefits:

Good mental health

Positive Emotional Well-being

develop independence.

Positively influence the behavior of others.

Avoid burns

Develop your own identity, values, and needs without guilt.

Why Do We Repeat Unhealthy Boundary Patterns in Relationships?

One way to look at this is from Brenet Brown's book Bold Great. He talks about the process and challenges of setting boundaries. For example, when women assert themselves, "shameful goblins" appear, "Say no carefully. You will disappoint people. Don't let them down, be a good girl, make everyone happy."

These thoughts can make it very difficult for you to maintain your limitations (for example, I'm so tired but I feel guilty for not dating my boyfriend). In this example, guilt makes us ignore our needs, wants, and desires. We have learned to get rid of this pain by giving up our resources.

Another aspect that causes us to repeat the same old patterns can stem from previous childhood experiences. As we grow up internalizing core beliefs, most of them are drawn from the important people in our lives. These messages are like pictures in our subconscious. From these drawings, we repeat the pattern in the relationship. For example, the inability to say no can lead to the initial message that "if we say no, maybe the person doesn't love me." A psychotherapist will help you explore these images and develop a better understanding of why you may be repeating unhealthy patterns in relationships.